Transcript from Teleseminar with Rosalind Sedacca of Women Helping Women Mastermind

Thank you Rosalind for joining me in this teleseminar on Being Authentic and Handling Rejection While Searching for a Successful Love Relationship.  I’d like to start tonight by asking the single women listening in on this call to be open about changing their mindset about the whole dating process.

 

We are all aware of the quote from Albert Einstein that the ‘definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’  So if you are not currently having as much success in the modern dating world as you’d like, I[‘m hoping you’ll consider making some mindset changes in how you perceive the dating process. 

 

Rosalind: Hmmm interesting. Will changing our mindset, impact our behavior in dating?

 

Nancy: Yes, actually it is the first step to changing behavior. Once you change how you perceive the process you will naturally change your behavior accordingly.

 

Let’s think of it like dieting.  There are lots of important components to dieting and weight loss including calorie counting, portion control etc. but before you do those dieting action steps, it helps if you first consider and adjust your thinking about your relationship with food.  Are you using food to handle stress, boredom, etc. 

So tonight, instead of dealing with the steps to successful dating, we are going to work on changing your mindset about how to approach dating  It’s a little more philosophical but bear with me and by the time we finish, you’ll understand how changing your relationship with the dating process, will consequently change your dating behavior.

 

Rosalind: Ok so where do we start in Being authentic and handling rejection while searching for a successful love relationship. 

 

Well actually we begin at the end.  The end is the ultimate goal for you in dating…  that goal being searching for a successful love relationship.

 

Notice, I specifically did not say looking for love but instead said searching for a successful love relationship.  The reason it’s important to clarify this is that one thing we all know for sure is that Love does not conquer all.  The belief that love conquers all is a romantic myth.  If love conquered all I’d expect that everyone on this call would still be with someone they’ve already had a failed relationship with.  Ladies, please understand love did not conquer all for you in the past and it will not conquer all for you in the future.  Love is a necessary ingredient but in and of itself it does not work as the sole ingredient for a successful relationship. 

 

Rosalind:  Yes, I think we all know from past experience that Love does not conquer all.  It’s such a romantic notion isn’t it?  What else do you consider essential for a successful love relationship in addition to love?.

Nancy: Most dating experts agree on the need for compatibility in successful relationships.  And this makes a lot of common sense when you think about it.  There are many compromises that will need to be made in any long term successful relationship.  Another romantic myth sold to us in fairy tales, romance novels and chick flicks is that in the end the couple now together lived ‘happily ever after.’  Ahhh, wouldn’t it be great if it was that easy…but it isn’t. Once we are paired up, the real work begins.  Life continues to be hard at times and now there are two of us together needing to cope with those normal life challenges, tragedies, etc. 

 

So if compromise is essential in successful relationships and compromise is difficult because it’s just easier if we get things our way…then the more naturally compatible the two of us are…the less compromise will be needed.   So although we’ve all heard that opposites attract; research points to opposites having much less chance for success in a relationship together.

 

Remember that once the romance wears thin, the small seemingly inconsequential things that seem merely irritating initially become like a pebble in your shoe.  Over time it’s no longer just irritating but really uncomfortable and painful.  So the more compatibility you have, the better your chance for a successful love relationship.

 

Rosalind: Well that makes sense that love is a necessary ingredient but compatibility is essential also.   Many women are now probably thinking about some past bad relationships where the compatibility was missing and knowing that they don’t want any more of those.

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Yes, exactly..  Unhealthy or bad love relationships can be dangerous.  I worked at Women In Distress of Broward County for years, I learned that domestic and dating violence is a real and prevalent danger.  But even without domestic violence, bad failed relationships can lead to anxiety, depression, financial problems, substance abuse, self esteem issues, etc. And I know that with these unhealthy potential downsides, we need to take our love relationship choices very seriously.   But let’s even consider the short relationship that doesn’t work – one that is not unhealthy it just doesn’t work.  These types of relationships also have negative consequences – one is that it has used time that would have been better spent in continued searching for that someone with whom you have a chance for success and second, too many failed relationships make women cynical.  I hear many cynical women say things like well I just make bad choices in men or relationships just don’t work for me.  By spending time in even short term unsuccessful relationships, we run the risk of increasing our cynicism which can eventually lead to removing yourself from the entire process. i.e. giving up.  I can guarantee you that you will not have any successful love relationship in your future if you let yourself get to the point of giving up.

 

Rosalind:  Point well taken.  So again the goal is not finding love but finding a successful love relationship.   

 

Nancy: Yes and this means women must embrace this important dating mindset and keep it in mind as they are meeting men.  It means chemistry in and of itself is not enough.  I want women to always be asking themselves, can my continued interaction with this person lead to a successful love relationship?  And if the answer is no, she must move on in her search.  No wasting time, no risking a broken heart or worse – just move on.

 

Rosalind: What other mindset changes will be beneficial?

 

You know that the world of dating has changed dramatically in last few years.  Many of these changes have occurred as a result of larger societal changes.  There are three societal changes that I want to talk about that have had significant implications on dating. 1 is the increased number of single adults in this country, 2 is a decreased need for marriage and 3 is the widespread use of the internet.

 

Rosalind: Ok talk to us about the increased number of single adults.

 

Nancy: Women are staying single longer these days before they marry.  The average age for a woman to marry today is 28 years old.  Add to that, the unfortunate reality that one in two marriages ends in divorce and subsequently you get more single adults at all ages than ever before. This increase in the number of single adults has naturally made being single easier and more acceptable.  There are single parties, singles travel options, single serving sizes of supermarket items.  Even the popular tv shows changed from the family sitcom to shows like Sex In The City. 

 And with all these singles, there are lots of single women in your age group for you to socialize with, receive emotional support from, etc.  There are also lots of single men in your age group.  In most 10 year age groups (for example from 30-40 or 40-50 years of age) there are over 2,000 single men on Match.com who live within 10 miles of your home in South FLorida and are looking to meet someone.  The number of on line dating sites has also increased because the target audience of adult singles is so large and diverse.  So societal change number one – big increase in the number of adult singles in every age bracket. 

 

Rosalind:  Yes there are lots of single adults out there.  The days of everyone being married are over.  And you mentioned about the decreased need for marriage. Let’s talk about that.

 

Well, It’s sad but true that in the not so very distant past, women actually needed to get married.  Unmarried women were referred to as spinsters or old maids – it was not a status to be sought after.  Married women assumed their identity through their husbands identity.  She became Mrs. Somebody and Mr. Somebody provided for Mrs. Somebody and their children.  Women were encouraged to withhold sex until a commitment was had, hence the saying ‘why buy the cow if you get the milk for free.’  There was an unspoken understanding that women were trying to get men to marry them using whatever guiles necessary.

 

Clearly this is no longer the case.  Single women live alone, buy homes, cars and tools and pay their own bills.  Many are single moms.  The need for women to get married has diminished greatly.  In fact a wise woman I know reminds her daughters regularly that men are an accessory not a necessity.

 

Rosalind:  I don’t know about this change really being accepted.  Don’t we all still wish for our children that they get married, have children of their own and stay together?

 

Nancy: Well yes we do.  That is the holdover from the romantic ideals we have a hard time giving up.  I have a 24 year old son.  I love his girlfriend.  But would I bet on the two of them being together like my parents to celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary?  I know the chances are slim.  But I am relieved to see that they seem very compatible so they have a better chance for success.  And that’s what we need to be emphasizing to our children that chemistry is not enough.

 

Rosalind:  Yes, it would be nice for parents or even the school system to focus more on giving young people the information and tools for success in their love relationships.  We could probably do an entire hour just on this subject.

But let’s move on to the third major societal change - the impact of the internet.

 

Nancy: The internet has changed our lives in so many ways.  Emails, social networking, bill paying, shopping, information gathering have all changed the way we live, work and socialize.  When you stop and think about what we would do now if we no longer had access to the internet – it really brings home how much the internet has changed our lives.

 

It is only natural that this big societal change would also influence how we date.  In the past, your partner choices were restricted to who you came in contact with.  You chose someone from the neighborhood, from school, from church or from work.  You went to clubs and gyms or took classes.  There is only a limited number of single men you can meet in a lifetime using these face-to-face opportunities, no matter how often you went out. 

 

Thanks to internet dating sites, you can meet on-line an infinite number of potential partners in a time efficient way from the comfort of your own home.  And this way of meeting other singles is becoming more commonplace each year.  The old stigma against doing on-line shopping for men has decreased.  Yet there are still women out there resisting using the internet as one method for meeting available men.  Doesn’t everyone know someone who has had success at on-line dating? 

 

Rosalind:  Oh yes I agree that the internet dating sites are more popular today but it is still intimidating for some women.

 

Nancy: Your right but most change is intimidating.  I’m old enough to remember people resisting answering machines.  There was some actual self-righteous outrage about talking to a machine.  Well we got over that didn’t we?  People today are outraged now on the rare occasion when a phone just keeps ringing and you can’t leave a message.

Internet dating sites are not going away.  In the future it will be unheard of that anyone would be single and looking to meet someone and not use the internet as one component of their search.  And when something is uncomfortable to you, it’s time to learn more about how to do it and before long it is no longer intimidating.

 

Rosalind: Ok so the three societal changes you talked about the increased number of singles, the decreased need for getting married to be Mrs. Somebody and internet dating have all had an impact on the concept of dating.  Are you now going to tell us how this necessitates a change in our mindset?

 

Nancy: Yes the number of available singles, the decreased need to be coupled to live a fulfilling life, and the ability to screen thousands of potential partners via internet dating sites means we no longer need to choose partners based on the premise of scarcity but rather of abundance. Women need to banish forever the belief that there are no good available single men out there.  That is absurd and not true. Believing in a law of scarcity when in fact the law of abundance is more accurate has many implications on dating

 

Let’s tie it into the importance of being authentic first.

 

If the goal is to partner with someone with whom you can have a successful love relationship, the numbers game becomes very important.  The more men you have the possibility of meeting, the better your chances of meeting one with whom you have both chemistry and compatibility.  You don’t need to settle.  You don’t need to use feminine guiles to get a man into your life.  You need to completely believe that there is some guy out there who is really good for you. 

Now that doesn’t mean that you are not putting your best foot forward.  The’ take me as I am’ attitude can be an excuse for not presenting your best self.  But it means you need to present your best authentic self. 

There is a big difference between being your best authentic self and pretending to be someone you are not.  The pretenders are setting themselves up for failure and they are doing so because they have not completely embraced the law of abundance but are still working from some old theory of scarcity. 

The simplest example of this is lying on on-line profiles and using photos that are not recent.  I am really saddened to hear single men and women say – oh everyone does that.  I say, it’s time for a mindset change there.  The people who do this are the people who are discussed as horror stories from on-line dating experiences.  If you are looking for chemistry and compatibility as the end result, how can it start from a false premise?  You are looking for a good fit.  And given that there are now lots of single people available to you, why are you wasting time with someone who doesn’t want a woman your actual age or doesn’t want to meet a woman who looks like you look today vs 5-10 years ago?

 

Now, I want to take this further on authenticity.  Most dating experts agree that new relationships often hit a snag at about 8 months together.  You want to know why?  Because after 8 months, the chemistry diminishes and people start seeing the other person without rose colored glasses that chemistry provides.  In addition, it is hard to maintain an act after 8 months together.  The real you becomes much more prominent.

 

So for long term success, I say again… you need the compatibility factor.  How can you assess real compatibility if you are not being your authentic self?

 

Just today at Barnes and Noble I was looking through the book section on dating books.  Some of the titles would be funny, if the message they are giving wasn’t so sad.  Here are some titles: How to Make a Man Fall in Love With You, Make Every Man Want You, What Men Want, and Have Him At Hello.   These books are based on the law of scarcity.  They are promoting that you have to be someone other than yourself or have to act in a certain way in order to entice a man to want to date you.  What happened to self-empowerment?  In the book, Have Him At Hello, the author asks the reader to consider what the goal of the first date is.  The two possible answers given are:  A to allow a man to discover the real you or B to get him to want a second date with you.  The author’s  answer is B to get him to want a second date with you.  And her whole book is based on interviews with men about why they did ask some women for a second date and didn’t ask others.

My answer to the question of what is the goal of the first date is not A to allow a man to discover the real you or B to get him to want a second date with you but rather a C that she didn’t even propose.  The C answer would be for you to decide if you would want to spend any additional time getting to know him better.  Isn’t that a much more powerful position to come from?

 

Rosalind:  So you are recommending changing the way you think about the first date.

 

Exactly.  This author compares the first date to a job interview.  Wow, that is a telling comparison.  In a job interview, the hiring person has all the power.  And if we want the job, it is devastating when we don’t get the second interview.  And yes, I think this is the mindset of most women when they go on first dates with someone they like.

 

I would instead compare the first date to time spent shopping for an outfit at a store.  If you don’t find something that you like and that fits, it’s not devastating, it’s just part of the shopping experience.

 

So let’s talk a little more about the goal of the first date being to decide if you want to spend any additional time getting to know him better.  What criteria are you using to make that decision?  Let’s go back to the shopping analogy.  I know that the color grey does not work for me.  If I put the color grey anywhere near my face, my complexion become washed out.  So grey is one of my deal breakers in shopping.  I therefore don’t waste my time trying on grey outfits.  It doesn’t matter that it is the perfect cut or that it is a great deal, I pass it by because I already know that grey is not for me.  In dating, like in shopping you need to know in advance what your deal breakers are and stop wasting time with a man who will not ever be a good match for you.

 

Now, let’s take this further.  Would I come home from a day of shopping and analyze with my friends whether I should have bought the grey outfits I passed up.  No and why is that?  Because I know that there are an infinite number of outfits available for me to choose from that are not grey.

 

Rosalind:  So this does change the perspective of a first date.  Are you saying that you don’t need to impress him but he needs to impress you?

 

No I’m not- so thanks for making me clarify that.  The goal is not looking to impress or looking to be impressed.  The goal is to decide if the outfit that looks good on the hanger is worth taking to the dressing room and trying it on.

 

So before beginning the dating process, you need to decide what works for you and what doesn’t.  Deal breakers are the ones you don’t even try on.  Your wants are the variables that necessitate a trip to the dressing room.  And the more dresses I try on the more I learn about what works for me and what doesn’t.  So my shopping skills improve even if I don’t buy the dress.  The same with dating.  Those of us with previous failed relationships have already identified lots of must haves because we’ve learned lots of things that didn’t work for us.

 

So before spending time and effort dating, you need to identify your deal breakers and your wants.  The time spent upfront doing this work will save you lots of time with men who are not really potentials for you

 

Rosalind:  Does that mean you are interviewing him?

 

It means you are steering the conversation towards information gathering.  The goal is twofold – stop trying so hard to be likeable and getting the second date and diminish the amount of time spent discussing small talk like the weather just to keep the conversation going.

 

Now let me offer a caveat here.  I am not suggesting you approach a first date with a questionnaire.  No one appreciates being bombarded with loaded questions – sort of like that job interview.  Instead I’m suggesting that upfront you choose maybe three things that you want to know about this person before you meet him.  There is a wonderful book called Intellectual Foreplay with hundreds of questions you can incorporate into your dating experiences to learn more about the other person.  Use some of these in a conversational tone offering information about yourself but also getting important information from him.

 

Rosalind:  Well isn’t it hard if you have the chemistry to not want to get that second date?

 

Yes but not at the expense of your authenticity and compatibility.  Because again who needs another broken heart?  Do you really want to spend more time with someone with whom you can not have a successful love relationship?  Do you really want to walk on eggshells wondering when to tell him that in fact you never intend to take golf lessons or that you’ll have problems boating with him on weekends, because you get sea sick and hate being in the sun?  If you really believe that a compatible person is out there for you and that there are lots of other fish in the sea, so to speak, why continue?

 

Rosalind:  Ok so it’s a numbers game and and women need to incorporate the reality of abundance in their perspective.  To recap…There are lots of single men available, the internet provides a way to connect with lots of the available single men and in the meantime you don’t need to be in a relationship.   I guess that means you don’t believe in books like The Rules.

 

Nancy: Oh yes you understand what I’m getting at.  Following someone’s rules is often about acting differently than you naturally are?  Boy, isn’t that talking yourself into some negative self esteem.  If there are some things that you need to work on for you to be a better person for yourself and your ability to be in a successful love relationship, then please do that work for yourself.

 

Rosalind:  So we’ve covered how changing your dating mindset impacts your authenticity explain now how it impacts the way we handle rejection.

 

Let’s start with the simplest rejection that often occurs in on-line dating.  It is perfectly acceptable for women today to initiate a communication with available single men.  And this is so much less public than if you attempted to initiate a communication in a public place.  Men have been dealing with the public form of rejection for ages.  They know the risk of someone saying no thanks.  Some hate it and others learn to not take it personally. 

I’m asking that you not take it personally. Especially when it happens via the computer.  Can you really feel rejected by someone you don’t know over a machine?  You’ve not met the guy and don’t even know that he is for real, and you’re going to allow yourself to feel rejected? 

Look, lots of women are really good at sales.  They learn that in selling you usually need to approach a lot of prospects before getting a sale.  Most of your approaches in on-line dating are not going to respond.  You need to know this upfront and come to peace with that.  Remember that for men also, there are lots of single women available, guys don’t need to be in a relationship and they have a method available for meeting Lots of other available women.  If you expect a response rate of 10% you are much less likely to take it personally when one guy that you were really hoping to hear from doesn’t respond to your email.  And if you get a 20% response to your emails, pat yourself on the back for being a success!

 

Now there are lots of ways to increase your response rate but that is a whole other subject.  Here we are just talking about changing your mindset about what is rejection and what is NOT.

 

Rosalind:  What about when you have communicated with the person and you go on the first date and he doesn’t ask for a second date.  How do you handle that without taking it personally?

 

Ok remember how I used the shopping analogy earlier.  Well some of you might have been thinking about my missing the component that the guy has some choice in this matter also.  After all the dress is not going to say no you can’t take me home with you because I don’t like you.  But I want you to start thinking that him not being interested in you is just another variable in the right fit for the outfit you thought you liked on the hanger. 

 

Remember again our goal being to find a successful love relationship.  If he does not feel chemistry for you or if he gets hit by a bus on the way home or if he decides to go back with his last girlfriend or if he gets an important project at work or he finds you intimidating or the color of your eyes remind him of his ex mother-in-law, the outfit is not a good fit for you.  It might be disappointing because it really looked good on the hanger but it doesn’t fit. You need to move on and find another great looking outfit that fits.

 

Are you having an overreaction to something not fitting because you are still believing in the law of scarcity?  If you really understand that there are lots of single men and you are only going to be satisfied with the one with whom there is a chance for a successful love relationship, why spend time obsessing over one that just doesn’t fit and instead put that energy into further shopping.

 

I know it is hard but we need to learn to not take it as rejection but rather the elimination of a person who would not be a real potential for a successful love relationship. And to keep it in perspective, I suggest you keep a count of actual numbers.  How many initiating e-mails have you received from men? How many have you responded to? How many of the men you didn’t respond to are losing sleep over it?  Shouldn’t you be handling it the same way?

Then when you meet someone and don’t wish to continue seeing that person because there is no chemistry and compatibility issues…think about what that is saying about that guy?  Is it that there isn’t someone else out there for whom that guy would be great.  Of course not, he was just not great for you.  Think of it the same way when the shoe is on the other foot.

 

Remember it’s a numbers game and you only need one right one – that fits great – to start your next successful love relationship. 

 

Rosalind:  Ok that’s a lot of information to think about and we have some questions from the audience but first I want to let people know how they can contact you and learn about all the services you have available.  So to contact Nancy you can email her at datingseminar@comcast.net or call her at 954-562-5951.  Her company web site is www.ProjectMeWorkshops.com.  And so that everyone knows, Nancy has a Dating Today workshop – it’s a two full day Saturday workshop and runs Saturday July 24th and July 31st.  It’s a small group to allow for individual attention and so there are only 15 spots available, so I suggest you sign up quickly.  And as a benefit to our group Women Helping Women Mastermind, Nancy is extending a $50 discount to anyone who signs up as a result of this teleseminar.  So again take down Nancy’s phone number ar 954-562-5951.